In general, I usually like the heroic people who do fun things and as such are often heroes. I haven’t played some games for some time, so I decided I would play this game because it reminded me of a good album made a while ago and because it had heroes in the title. I then found out the game was bad. Very bad.
So you play as a man named Travis Touchdown, which is both alliterativeful and lame. Monsieur Travius thinks that he’s a guy who lives in that place where they fight wars in space, so he carries around a sword that’s not a sword but instead a bunch of light, but deadly light. And it runs on batteries. You would think he would use a gun, but you would also think this game wouldn’t be bad. You would twice be wrong. Twice.
Senor Travioso lives in a place called Santa Destroy, which I think means he hates the spirit of Christmas because Destroy isn’t a word in Spanish. Somehow he kills a man named after a song named after the fact that slides exist, and then he wants to become the best assassin in the world. Does every assassin ever live in one town? Yes, that’s what this man thinks. Basically, Travabulous Man has to listen to this girl who sounds like not a girl but like the song Fitter Happier or the voice your computer pretends it has. She talks to you in a weird way and sometimes calls you on the phone, so you have to hold the remote up to your ear which is probably the only reason the 51 guys who made this game could convince the others to make it on the Wii. It’s like this:
CEO Man: Let’s make this game on the 360 or a good system on which it will sell many copies and let us make money instead of a bad game.
51 people in unison: No, then they won’t be able to pretend they have phones.
CEOMan: Brilliance.
But it wasn’t.
So before you fight some people and try to kill them to become better somehow, you have to make money. Why? So to do this he first takes some jobs around the city, like carrying coconuts or mowing lawns. What? This man wants to pretend he’s awesome and cool, but he is not. His shirt has a heart on it and he likes anime. Also, he carries coconuts.Awesome people don’t hang around places leaning against walls recounting their coconut-carrying escapades. They kill people. Why doesn’t Tron just kill the guys who give him money? That would be interesting. Unfortunately, he just does work. When I bought this game, I wanted to have a fun game where I kill people, not do chores. 51 people must not have wanted me to like the color fun.
After you do some chores you get to kill people, but not even the killing is as fun. All you do is walk through a ton of hallways and then some hallways, maybe a room or two, then some hallways. There are also tunnels and corridors, but most of them are the same, and you just keep walking through them breaking treasure chests and killing people. You have this sword and you get to point at things to see if you want to stab them at different places. With light. Then you just press A a lot. You can also kick them. The problem is that’s really only three moves, and yet Trickle-Down Economics thinks he can be the very best like no one ever was with that? Not even the fabled Four Move Jackson could have become the greatest assassin in the city in the world with three moves.
After you hurt some people, you get to shake the remote thing in a direction to kill them, because light doesn’t kill them but light at the right angle does somehow. Every now and then you remember you like pudding, and then you get to use your sword as a gun or something, but you tend to move too slowly and lamely and often times there’s only one guy left and you kill him and think “That was lame” and leave. Twice. Also, sometimes weird things will happen like a guy throws a baseball at you and you have to hit it back, which is weird because I’ve already played baseball because it came with the Wii. It’s like those same 51s felt like people wouldn’t think the game was bad if they got to wave their arms around. Also, you have to wave your arms around to recharge the sword. It runs on batteries, and Transmogrification can’t buy AAs at a store; he has to shake it a lot. Somehow that works. It shouldn’t.
Maybe it doesn’t since there aren’t a lot of stores around. Basically there’s this big city and you have to ride around on a bike three times your size with jet engines. But you never have to buy gas. This city is big, but nothing interesting exists. There are places you can buy clothes, which are nice since you don’t anymore wear a heart and little girls on your shirt, but they don’t do anything. There are lots of buildings, but no sidequests or people to kill and steal from or balloons to return to kids who all look the same or anything. They made Travel Channel drive around for nothing, and the bike is hard to steer, since if you turn and move you always crash, so you have to turn when not moving. Did they want people to think it was Residentially Evilacular 4? It’s not. Also, police don’t seem to exist. You can pretend you’re British or run over people or destroy tress and lightposts by lightly touching them but nobody cares. Realism? That doesn’t happen.
Basically, you just keep doing this. You do chores then you kill people and along the way you ride around the pointless generic town on a bike you can’t steer while listening to Fitter Happier Woman through the controller. They also put in all sorts of crazy weird things like the town, like having a heart that was stolen from a bad NES game and put here. Also, when you kill someone, it pretends you beat Pac Man or something. Maybe the Wii didn’t have enough graphics. Instead of save points you use bathrooms to ripoff Dead Rising which ripped off things, when Trigonometry doesn’t even eat.
Basically, the game is repetitive, not very fun, and they kept doing weird things like not drawing hearts and giving you a big bike and making a town without things to do. They didn’t care about realism, so you have a ton of treasure chests in identical hallways and not police and a lot of blood when people die. They shouldn’t have that much blood. Also, I don’t think the game actually has anything to do with heroes. At all.
