An actually good game

I give some bad reviews to games some other people think are good, so some people have asked me “Massany7, do you like games?” Si, see, I like games, but I like good games, like Bomberman 64. So I wrote this to show people I like games if they are good, like this one, which is Bomberman 64, a good game.

I’m not sure where to start explaining how fun and good Bomberman 64 is, but it is very good and quite fun. You play as the titular Bomberman, and as his name suggests he is a man with bombs. He can use these bombs to blow things up, but there are other things he can do with yon bombs. Not only do you can blow up crates and enemies, you can use these bombs to jump on the bombs, to kick and control the bombs, to solve puzzly puzzles, and to fight bosses. You can charge these bombs and do all sorts of other fun things, and the game lets you beat the levels by doing these things. This way, you don’t have to learn a ton of complex things but can do a lot of cool things with bombs, something most games which aren’t Bomberman 64 don’t let you do.

There are four levels in this game, each of which has four levels in the level, but then there’s a fifth and even a sixth if you find these cards in the other levels. The cards are hidden well, and you have to use the bombs that Bomberman uses to get them, but you have to use them in fun and hard to find out ways. When you get all the cards you get an extra level with four levels, and then with the cards from those ones you don’t get kicked out of soccer but instead get a new type of bomb. With all of this the game keeps being played, and when you turn it off it says “Don’t turn me off, I’m fun and there’s more to do in Bomberman 64.” Actually it doesn’t, but it does, because Bomberman 64 might as well since there’s a lot to do and it’s all new and cool and great and fun and not lame. You’ll play Bomberman 64 for a long time, maybe weeks or longer times, even.

In these levels of which there are four in a level, two have you getting through fun adventures and two have you fighting monsters and bad people. The bosses are all unique and you have to find new ways to use bombs, since many of them are flying or not holding a sign that says “Hit me with bombs”. The bosses are hard and fun but so are the adventures. You explore these different parts of castles or mountains and have to find out how to get to the end. These places are parts of the Earth and look very realistic yet still surreal and different enough to not be boring. Bomberman has a lot of bombs, but he’s Bomberman so it’s fine. If he was named Joe or Bob or Franzibald or something then I would ask “How did he get the bombs?” but his name is Bomberman, so it makes sense a lot. Why wouldn’t Bomberman have bombs? If he didn’t have bombs his name would not be Bomberman, it would be Manwithoutbombsman or something equally not Bomberman, obviously.

So what is the story? It has a really cool plot twist, also. Almost as cool as that one in Fight Club, except Bomberman isn’t Tyler Durden and nothing explodes, except a lot, because you’re Bomberman, and you have bombs. The story also doesn’t interfere much with the game, so the game doesn’t say “Stop playing to hear the story” ever, and when it does it’s short. Evil people named Artemis and Altair and some other people whose names don’t tie into the next sentence zombify a planet and steal parts of it, then Bomberman goes to those parts to destroy a forceful field and kill the guys. They don’t hang around with fairies or kill old people despite living in the future, they’re interesting and fun villains and make the game even better.

If you don’t feel like going on the fun adventures, there are also battles you can do with three other people, because the Nintendo 64 has four controller ports. If you don’t have friends because you’re ugly, you can also play the game against the game. You take powerups and try to blow up other Bombermans who also have bombs. You can also have teams and play things like Capture the Flag almost except with gems and not flags. The multiplayer is awesome, even though it’s not online since the Nintendo 64 wasn’t online, but it’s still awesome crazy fun. You have a ton of different stages assuming stages weighs 200 pounds and you live in America and use not the metric system, and all sorts of power ups like one which gives you more bombs and one which gives you a cat that makes everything be weird but fun again. All the stages are different and have fun and hard things so you have to learn them all, which you’ll want to because this is a good game.

This isn’t just a Nintendo game, but also a third party and old Nintendo game, so it isn’t very good when you look at the things like how the game looks and sounds. Still, when you throw a bomb you’ll be like, “Hey, I know I just threw a bomb” since you hear the explosion sound and see the bomb and the explosion and there no longer is a bomb. If this game was for the new consoles I would say “How come there is the bad sounds that aren’t like real bombs?”, but it is old and Nintendo, so I don’t expect it to have a lot of advanced stuff, but the stuff it does have works and is very fun.

Because of all the stuff in this game like the cards and if you have friends the multiplayer and if you don’t have friends the multiplayer against the game will make you want to play a lot, even when you get all the cards when the game makes you want to play it again even more. There were other games after this like Bomberman and the Hero or the Second Attack of Bomberman 64, but none were as good and fun as Bomberman 64. This game is amazing and proof that I like some games, as long as they’re really good like this one.

Bomberman 64 came out about almost about 10 years ago, but it’s still one of the best fun games you can buy at any time today. A lot of games have tried to be as good as Bomberman 64, but not a lot have done so. When people say “That Massany7 doesn’t like games because he gives bad reviews to bad games”, I know they lie, because I like several games, one of which being Bomberman 64. Now that you know I like Bomberman 64, stop saying I hate video games, because I don’t, just the bad ones, which are most, but not this one, which is Bomberman 64.

No More Heroes Any More

In general, I usually like the heroic people who do fun things and as such are often heroes. I haven’t played some games for some time, so I decided I would play this game because it reminded me of a good album made a while ago and because it had heroes in the title. I then found out the game was bad. Very bad.

So you play as a man named Travis Touchdown, which is both alliterativeful and lame. Monsieur Travius thinks that he’s a guy who lives in that place where they fight wars in space, so he carries around a sword that’s not a sword but instead a bunch of light, but deadly light. And it runs on batteries. You would think he would use a gun, but you would also think this game wouldn’t be bad. You would twice be wrong. Twice.

Senor Travioso lives in a place called Santa Destroy, which I think means he hates the spirit of Christmas because Destroy isn’t a word in Spanish. Somehow he kills a man named after a song named after the fact that slides exist, and then he wants to become the best assassin in the world. Does every assassin ever live in one town? Yes, that’s what this man thinks. Basically, Travabulous Man has to listen to this girl who sounds like not a girl but like the song Fitter Happier or the voice your computer pretends it has. She talks to you in a weird way and sometimes calls you on the phone, so you have to hold the remote up to your ear which is probably the only reason the 51 guys who made this game could convince the others to make it on the Wii. It’s like this:

CEO Man: Let’s make this game on the 360 or a good system on which it will sell many copies and let us make money instead of a bad game.

51 people in unison: No, then they won’t be able to pretend they have phones.

CEOMan: Brilliance.

But it wasn’t.

So before you fight some people and try to kill them to become better somehow, you have to make money. Why? So to do this he first takes some jobs around the city, like carrying coconuts or mowing lawns. What? This man wants to pretend he’s awesome and cool, but he is not. His shirt has a heart on it and he likes anime. Also, he carries coconuts.Awesome people don’t hang around places leaning against walls recounting their coconut-carrying escapades. They kill people. Why doesn’t Tron just kill the guys who give him money? That would be interesting. Unfortunately, he just does work. When I bought this game, I wanted to have a fun game where I kill people, not do chores. 51 people must not have wanted me to like the color fun.

After you do some chores you get to kill people, but not even the killing is as fun. All you do is walk through a ton of hallways and then some hallways, maybe a room or two, then some hallways. There are also tunnels and corridors, but most of them are the same, and you just keep walking through them breaking treasure chests and killing people. You have this sword and you get to point at things to see if you want to stab them at different places. With light. Then you just press A a lot. You can also kick them. The problem is that’s really only three moves, and yet Trickle-Down Economics thinks he can be the very best like no one ever was with that? Not even the fabled Four Move Jackson could have become the greatest assassin in the city in the world with three moves.

After you hurt some people, you get to shake the remote thing in a direction to kill them, because light doesn’t kill them but light at the right angle does somehow. Every now and then you remember you like pudding, and then you get to use your sword as a gun or something, but you tend to move too slowly and lamely and often times there’s only one guy left and you kill him and think “That was lame” and leave. Twice. Also, sometimes weird things will happen like a guy throws a baseball at you and you have to hit it back, which is weird because I’ve already played baseball because it came with the Wii. It’s like those same 51s felt like people wouldn’t think the game was bad if they got to wave their arms around. Also, you have to wave your arms around to recharge the sword. It runs on batteries, and Transmogrification can’t buy AAs at a store; he has to shake it a lot. Somehow that works. It shouldn’t.

Maybe it doesn’t since there aren’t a lot of stores around. Basically there’s this big city and you have to ride around on a bike three times your size with jet engines. But you never have to buy gas. This city is big, but nothing interesting exists. There are places you can buy clothes, which are nice since you don’t anymore wear a heart and little girls on your shirt, but they don’t do anything. There are lots of buildings, but no sidequests or people to kill and steal from or balloons to return to kids who all look the same or anything. They made Travel Channel drive around for nothing, and the bike is hard to steer, since if you turn and move you always crash, so you have to turn when not moving. Did they want people to think it was Residentially Evilacular 4? It’s not. Also, police don’t seem to exist. You can pretend you’re British or run over people or destroy tress and lightposts by lightly touching them but nobody cares. Realism? That doesn’t happen.

Basically, you just keep doing this. You do chores then you kill people and along the way you ride around the pointless generic town on a bike you can’t steer while listening to Fitter Happier Woman through the controller. They also put in all sorts of crazy weird things like the town, like having a heart that was stolen from a bad NES game and put here. Also, when you kill someone, it pretends you beat Pac Man or something. Maybe the Wii didn’t have enough graphics. Instead of save points you use bathrooms to ripoff Dead Rising which ripped off things, when Trigonometry doesn’t even eat.

Basically, the game is repetitive, not very fun, and they kept doing weird things like not drawing hearts and giving you a big bike and making a town without things to do. They didn’t care about realism, so you have a ton of treasure chests in identical hallways and not police and a lot of blood when people die. They shouldn’t have that much blood. Also, I don’t think the game actually has anything to do with heroes. At all.