MGS

Building a game can be somewhat hard, especially if you actually want to put work into it. These guys, the guys at Konami, obviously didn’t want to actually do that work. They felt games shouldn’t be games, since you actually play games, and making something to play costs money and time and more things. So he made a movie, but didn’t want to actually spend the time and money making one, so he made a movie then made a game that isn’t fun. At all. In any way.

There’s this man named Solid Snake, and he has a brother who looks just like him except they look nothing alike and his brother has a British accent. They have to be at this place which store nuclear weapons but is also an office building. Yeah, it makes no sense. They try to make the plot really confusing later on by adding all sorts of plot twists but the main story thing is about metallic gears which are robots with nuclear weapons somehow and they can walk. Why make it walk? Why not make it have wheels or fly? Or be a boat? The game is lame.

You can talk to people along the way, but they’re also so lame. There’s a colonel who hates everything, a man who sounds like another character but they hope you don’t notice that, a Chinese girl who reads sayings and poetry, another girl who loves you sometimes, this scientist man who made the bad machine yet doesn’t like it and does like anime, and some other people who are equally uninteresting. You can call them on this thing called Codec, which is a radio that freezes time and other people can’t hear it. Wow. See, it just reminds you the game isn’t real in any way. Instead, it’s quite lame.

So while pretending the story is good because there’s a cutscene every three minutes and nobody actually does anything that’s real and people lie and there are plot twists, they decided to also throw in some complaints. These guys hate nuclear power and eugenics and war and the fact that people exist and everything else, so they keep having scenes that go into tangential tangent tangents about how bad things are by showing movies. Why so many movies, men? This is a game.

You also have bosses which aren’t really realistic in any way ever? You have to fight these guys and they can fly or survive guns and helicopter explosions, and when you kill random guys you have to hear them talk a lot about crows and how much this kid hates his dad and the Kurdish-Everyone who isn’t Kurdish conflict and why people in England don’t like foxes and everything else. They just talk, since they don’t want you to play the game you payed to play and instead of playing you sit and go like “I’m not playing this game!” Then you’re sad. It’s lame. It’s like they had a bunch of ping pall balls and instead of playing ping pong since that would be work they put topics on them and randomly picked some and then made a lots of speeches with them. Why not instead make a game?

Anyways, for something like around five minutes every couple of ten minute periods you get to actually play and then you really realize why this game is bad. The game pretends to be a stealth game where you have to not be seen, but that’s really just being a couple feet away from people and hiding in a box and running into another room if they find you. See, these guards have often Alzheimer’s or whatever it is that makes them not remember since after several minutes they just seem to ask “I never saw anyone?” and leave. So you just run, and occasionally shoot, but not well.

See you have a gun, but the people can hear them well so if you press the square button you basically die unless you run a short distance and hide for a minute. In other words, this game is bad. Sometimes they just make you do stupid things like move controller ports or looking at the game case instead of playing the game. They basically just did these things so you can pretend the game makes you think when really it just rants about random things and makes you do random things. The whole game is basically just existing to string together the rants. Maybe these people should just write books about topics they find noteworthy and not make games, though this is barely a game since it’s mostly something you just sit there for and listen to lectures y characters.

You get lots of weapons, like one named after Communists and one that lets you plant suitcases that explode, but you don’t often have to use them. You also can’t. See, you just run around and hope you’re shooting well, since you can’t aim or go into first person or see where you’re shooting since the camera man is above your head not letting you see anything. They just did this kind of thing so you can’t see the graphics, which aren’t fun. Snake man doesn’t have eyes, all the walls are blurry and lame, and the areas are all the same. You’re just in an office and outside and in a cave and a tower and other places that are all either inside a lame building or outside in lame snow with no animals except birds and some rats. Why not let Snake pet a moose?

Also, you only run back and forth and forth between all these places, since the area is small and the guys at Konami place didn’t let people actually go and have fun and explore and see Alaska even though this place is in Alaska. So you run around a lot and keep going back and doing some parts like a cave with mean wolves many times. They could have made more than just a few places you do over again but they didn’t, since they were lame and just wanted to write things about things and have characters say them for several hours.

Then there’s music, and there are only two songs, and they aren’t even interesting. One is in Russian or something which I don’t speak, and the other one is the main theme or whatever that plays when you get caught and it lasts for only a minute since after that the guards forget. That’s not real at all. This game tries to be real which is why people talk so much and there are a ton of numbers about how many warheads exist and why people hate each other, but they ignore basic things like the fact that people can see and that game players don’t like it when a game is just about random speeches about FBI investigations and references to older games nobody played.

Nothing in this game is good. It’s a random plot that makes no sense with random rants and videos about random things mixed with bad controls, irrealistic things, bad music, horrible graphics, not interesting characters, and it’s repetitive. At least it isn’t long, even though there are two sdiscs, since these guys didn’t make the game fun. They didn’t try too hard, they were just lazy and made something else instead. Something lame. This. Metal Gear Solid.

Zombies in a mall

Taking pictures of Zombies in a Mall. Can you think of anything that isn’t a ripoff of? The game even has a little box on the box that says it stole from the Romero man who made other things with the word dead in the name. This game is Dead Rising, a game so unoriginal it should probably be called Ripoff Rising, which would then have the whole alliteration thing going for it. This game is about there’s this guy who wants a Pulitzer prize and so he arrives in a mall to take pictures of zombies, and then leaves after three days since he’s lame and doesn’t want to be fun and stay for four, and none of that is new. Malls with bad things were in Silent Hill 3, photos were in Pokemon Snap, zombies are always in things, 3 days is stolen from Majora and the Mask, and the main character is named Frank. Why not come up with a new name, like Slaktimalistro? That would be mildly entertaining, unlike this game, which is not.

So when you’re running around this mall and taking pictures, you realize that seriously there’s almost no story. A guy wants a Pulitzer so he takes pictures of zombies in a mall, and while he’s there he rescues some people. Wow. Lame. Fat. First off, last time I checked you got Pulitzers for writing, not taking pictures. I mean, if I wanted to win an Oscar I wouldn’t start painting a picture of three boats, I would make several films. He should write books, not this. Also then, when you picture a journalist, you probably don’t picture this guy. He looks almost exactly like some Grand Theft Auto guy. I wouldn’t trust him to take my picture since I would think he would beat me up or try to sell me a rival Grand Theft Auto man’s kidney. He also looks mad. The zombies are also horrible men. They look exactly like humans, just with maybe a tiny bit of blood or something like they died a day ago. Lots of people don’t always die, but this game wants you to forget that things make sense because in this game they don’t in many ways at all. Like why do zombies groan? They’re dead. They have no vocal cords, or at least they can’t use them. If I shot you, you wouldn’t be groaning when you got up, you would die.

So what do you do? There’s a plot, but it makes you run around a lot and the saving is horrible and won’t let you beat the game. See, you have one save file, so if you have friends they can’t play, and if you save and then don’t have time to do what you have to since the game is timed then you have to start over. It’s lame. At least the game is short, which is horrible because the game is short. You have three days, and they aren’t days, because they don’t take too long, and there’s not much to do. You’re in a mall and there are zombies and you can kill zombies. They lied to you and said you can use a lot of things but you can but they’re lame, since you have swords and guns and so why would you want to use a necklace to kill a zombie when it won’t work and it will break? That’s the other thing: things break. It’s lame.

You need to play the game several many times to be able to beat the game, since you gain levels which let you do things like spin in circles or hold more things or be able to actually win. For when you’re running around, though, there’s nothing to do since you die all the time. The zombies don’t do much in the day but at night they kill you more often and have red eyes which is weird since it’s dark. You just try to kill them over and over, and they come back. How? You do that so many times, and when you beat the game by playing for a few hours it just says “Now beat it again!” Why do I need to beat it five times before I can beat it? Why not make the game fun?

The other thing is that the mall is weird. It’s really big and has things malls don’t have. Why do malls need a meat processing area? Malls don’t process meat. Ever. There’s a big bunch of grass in the middle, and how do people get in? There’s one door, but many buildings. There’s a parking lot in the middle of them all which are in like a circle, but those cars couldn’t get in or out. Do they have helicopters to move the cars? The mall has a helipad on the roof. Why? People don’t have helicopters, and helicopters don’t land in malls, and they could land in the middle, which is lame and wouldn’t be in a mall. You won’t want to run around it anyway, since only one store sells guns even though there are also some in fountains and places for some reason and if you go to some place, even the gun store, you sometimes find mean people who try to kill you and have weapons of their own.

But I still don’t like that you have to do the same thing so many times, since you have to do the same things each time, like the beginning part and having to beat the same bosses over and over and trying to get the guns again and all this other lame stuff. When you finally get to be somewhat good and try to do the plot, you find it’s lame. You have to keep doing things in a small period of time and the save points are far away and you keep failing. There are weird bosses that you have to fight and then you also see the other mean guys around the mall who try to kill you sometimes which makes it hard, but then there are parts where you don’t have to do anything for hours and have to wait a lot. Then you see that the game has a bad story, since it’s not about zombies, it’s about beef and a town called Santa Cabeza which means Saint Head and insects that make people into zombies. You also have to fight a tank. The game doesn’t make sense, and is hard.

While doing this you get achievements, but not many, since there are too many, and they’re all worth the same which is weird. Why is taking a picture the same as doing this extra thing where you have to leave the threesixtyclads on for almost a day and press a button every now and then to drink juice while surviving? And you have to still beat the game too many times to do most of them. Why didn’t they just make the game longer? They just wanted to make small things and make you do them many times so you think the game is long. It isn’t. It’s short.

Why would you play a game that isn’t original and is short? Why not play a fun game? Why are there many questions in my review? It’s because this game makes no sense and I think the people at Capcom made a bad game which they shouldn’t have done. They should have made one that was good.

Warring Gears, though of the kind that aren’t Guilty

When you hear the word Gears you probably think of those things in the clocks that make clocks work being gears. This game isn’t about clocks. This game, which is called Gears of War, has nothing to do with gears, they threw that on because people wouldn’t buy this game if it was called Not Interesting Shooting Game, which is what it should be called.

You play as a man who is not a gear and is on many steroids probably named Marcus Phoenix Arizona, and he has to kill locusts. What? Locusts are small bugs with many of the legs, but these locusts are big and like you and not bugs. They’re supposed to live underground, but we know what it’s like underground. It’s hot and there’s lava, and anything that lives there can’t come up because of said lava. Yet these guys do.

But you have to read the enclosed instructions manual because it has the story, which is all about energy dependency and the dangers of not sharing, and if you play the game you don’t get a story. They’re just like “Man, you should shoot and sometimes kill things” and you’re supposed to be like “Sure” but I’m not, because I like to know things about my games, but this has nothing about it.

So when you fight you just walk through a bunch of hallways and press A a lot since everything happens with the button A. See, you do things like shoot but you first have to crouch, and there are things to crouch behind, but then you just shoot and crouch more until you beat the game. There are some bosses which also require you to do the running things, but not too much all in alls. Kangaroo farming is not something you would do, nor is even talking to people about things, or doing anything since all they want you to do is have guns and use them to shoot the things, and it’s lame.

When you kill them, there’s also a lot of the blood stuff. You have a gun and it has a chainsaw on it, which is weird since what if you cut your fingers, but somehow you don’t, but you chop locust heads I guess. It’s weird. Why put a chainsaw on a gun. Guns can kill very well without chainsaws, and chainsaws are for cutting trees, not locust men. You get too much blood also, since it’s like “YOU CAN’T SEE THINGS!” when you kill with it since the screen gets red. I don’t like being blind. This was poor design. It was.

Unless you want to only do this all the time, which you probably won’t, you might have to try to do sidequests, but there are none, since the game is linier. You just walk forward a lot and sometimes split up with other lame people but mostly always do the same things. You can find little COG tags though. Cog is a reference to the gear idea, while it is a parody of dog tags. That is clever, is it not? No, it is lame, as is the collection, since there aren’t a lot, but there’s one everywhere, since the game is short.

See, you have five chapters. Five. That is a small number. You’re almost always doing the same thing also. I guess once you get to do horrible driving which everyone hates, but mostly it’s just crouching and shooting while going down corrisdors.

As I said, there’s not even much of a story to talk about. You can map tunnels and then you blow them up by fighting a guy on a train, then it ends. I guess there will be more games, but this one should have a story, it shouldn’t only be crouching and then doing more crouching and every now and then and other times shooting several grenades or using guns. There are people, but nobody really says or does much except exist and be like “I’m existing” and not help you because those people are lame. You have to just be running to them and picking them up, but they don’t pick you up, since they’re mean and not interesting in any ways.

If you look at yon achievements for this game, though, you see they want you to play many times. They are Epic, that’s their name, though they really aren’t since nothing in this game is epic since it’s just about fighting not bugs using not parts of clocks. Anyway, they have difficulty modes where even the last isn’t hard at all and then this thing where you have to play as another guy who looks also on steroids. Why would people play this many times? They wouldn’t, or at least I wouldn’t, because it wasn’t even fun at the first time.

So when you realize this game isn’t good you might consider playing multiple player mode online, even though you need to pay money for Xbox Alive and more money for new maps to get achievements. Multiple players is not underrated, because everyone likes it but it’s lame in many ways. They have four modes and two are really the same and the others aren’t interesting. In three of them you die and can never play more, which is so lame. In Halo and other games that are actually fun you get to keep playing. This game says you can’t play too often. If I have a game, I want to play it, not instantly die then watch other people play. If I wanted to only watch people do things I wasn’t doing I would play Mario Party 8 or go to Prague for some reason.

In any case, the game both single and multiplayer are repetitive and not interesting in the first place. The graphics are kinda good looking, but why are all the people on mega steroids, why do the locusts look like the people but with gray or grey skin and wrinkles like old people? Why are there so few females in this game? The locust guys have the queen and berserker people locusts and the humans have only one person. Why don’t many women exist? Do the guys at Epic hate them many ways or are they just all lame people who don’t want to do the work to make people who didn’t all look like the same lump of big steroided people with guns? Maybe that’s also why this game takes three hours or sometimes a bit more and then says “You have beat the short game. You wasted several dollars to play this game”. It says that since I did. This cost 60 of my dollars to play and it was just somewhat good graphics without a story or sidequests or girls. They say this is Epic but it is not. It is not at all.

4 Resident Evil

Generally, people who sell the real estate get to choose if they want to sell Commercial or Residential stuff. Usually, the people doing the latter don’t predict that people who buy yon residential property might turn out to be evil. That’s exactly not the situation that Mister Leonidas Kennedy man encounters in 4 Resident evil, the game that’s not the fourth Resident Evil game since there was zero and the one with the guy who dressed like a girl and people went to Antarctica. In this game, there’s a girl and a man who has to go into Spain and kill everyone, and even maybe ride a boat. This game is bad.

The president’s daughter went on a vacation in a lame place and got kidnapped by cultists, and if you want a better story you don’t have one, since there isn’t one. You basically get to be this guy who looks emo and like he would cut himself while playing acoustic guitar, but he really gets guns. You fight enemies, then rescue the annoying girl, then move several feet, then she gets kidnapped again and you keep doing this. They thought that was a plot. It isn’t.

See, nobody in the game is fun. There’s the lame main guy named Leonard or something Scott, the president’s daughter who seems like she’s 12 and is annoying since she keeps being like “I’m not smart! Help me since I can’t run away from the guy who’s killing me several times!”. Then there’s a girl in a red dress who follows you places and doesn’t like anything and can jump too high with a hookshot. Then there’s a scary man who has everything but sells them using a lame currency that people don’t actually use. Why not use Euros? They use pesetas. Dollars would also be good. This guy shows up everywhere, and runs shooting galleries and stuff inside this other man’s castle. Does this make sense? No.

The bad people aren’t interesting either. There’s first this guy with a beard and creepy eyes and a big spine who you only see once, there’s a guy with a staff who talks slowly and spends money on stupid things, a short man with a huge castle that spans several miles and has go-carts and lava, and then this muscular guy who survives anything and has a claw. Really, all the people survive a lot. How? There’s one guy who can lose his legs, a man who gets killed many times and jumps high and has a claw still, and people who can lose all their body parts and replace them with parts of bugs or plants or something. What? This game makes no sense.

None of this does at all. Why does Leon go there when he can’t speak Spanish? Why can’t many of the other people speak Spanish, since they say things like the Los Illuminados when Los means The. That’s the cult. Also, why is the title 4 Residential Evil? The 4 should come later, like after the Evil, not before.

So while you play this, there are enemies, and they kill you. See, Leon can die, unlike everything else. He doesn’t have a bulletproof vest? He should. Anyway, these people are too strong. The kill you if they touch you twice and you can shoot them in the head and it will do nothing. How? These people are farmers, why don’t they die. Farmers can die. If I went to Wisconsin and started a farm I wouldn’t meet some magical wizard man who would say “I won’t let you die since you’re a farmer!” and put bugs in my head. That’s the other thing. They have bugs in their heads, and when you kill them you haven’t since the bugs come out. Why? This game is too hard, and everything kills you all the time.

The people who always kill you aren’t even good. There are them and dogs and sometimes women them, and some have chainsaws, but they all kill you. Then there are people in robes who kill you, and sometimes you walk along and see a picture at the bottom of the screen and if you don’t do what it tells you you die. Why do you always die? Why can’t Leon have regenerating shields or be able to kill others? Isn’t he part of the government? He should be rich enough to buy armor from people who aren’t scary and guns that can actually kill people.

It’s also hard to do because of the way things work. You have to point the remote thing at the screen but you can’t move it so you have to use the stick. What? I know. You also can’t move while you shoot. You have to stand still. Why? Why not move while you’re shooting them, that way you could actually not die maybe. But the game doesn’t want that, it wants you to always die always.

And when you play, you see that this game is short. You basically go to three places. There’s a village where you run back and forth a lot, then there’s a castle which is huge and has random things like a giant statue or a tower to turn a bridge that leads to the tower and a room with lava. Who puts lava in a castle? It seems like a bad idea. Also, who is the evil resident? Is it him? The man in the castle? Oh well, then you go to a mine which is kinda the castle but kinda a mine, and then there’s chapter 5 which is as long as the rest of the game and has horrible things like gray guys which kill you all the time. Why is no one nice?

See, the whole time they have no new ideas, you keep running to where Ashley woman is and rescuing her and trying to see her not die many times and then seeing her kidnapped again. I guess sometimes you have to do puzzles, but the puzzles are like things where there’s a switch and you stand on the switch and you solved the puzzle. You never have to do anything hard, just random things, and there shouldn’t be puzzles. To go into the castle you have to find parts of a puzzle and put them together. Does the man just have to run around his huge castle thing every time he has to go to sleep in his room? He doesn’t have a room, anyway. The castle has lava and a tower that turns a bridge and a giant plant that eats things and then tries to kill you, but nothing like a kitchen or room with beds. Wow, that’s realistic, except it’s not. Who builds that castle?

When you realize the main game isn’t good, there are others, but they’re also horrible. There’s a one where you play as other people and do the same thing but you have to shoot people more quickly and combo them and it’s impossible since you die. Then there’s one where you do the game again but only parts and as somebody else who dies even easier. There’s a harder mode where you die even more often, and another one where you play as the girl named Ada and die. You always die. This game is too hard and lame and weird.

Residential Evil doesn’t let you do anything since it’s too linear, there aren’t many interesting places, the game is short, and you always die, and the characters aren’t interesting, and the plot is lame, and there are even other things wrong with it. You probably shouldn’t play it unless you like playing games that aren’t good.

Darkish Blue Prophecy

Indigo Prophecy is a game that was called Fahrenheit not 9/11 or 451 in the countries that don’t use Fahrenheit to measure how hot it is, but for the country that does they changed it. They changed many things, actually, like censorship. This game has it. Many times. Anyway, this game is one where it isn’t really a game, since usually you play games, but in this you don’t. If you think Simon Says was a game, then maybe yes, but otherwise no. Not in any way, since you don’t do much. You just talk a lot, and I mean a lot, and you have to move sticks since the people who made this game didn’t know how to actually use buttons. A button is one of those colored things you press to do things. Atari didn’t know that.

So you play as this guy who kills a guy in a restaurant, and also other people. The first man is a citizen named Lucas Kane, and he doesn’t do anything. He’s a guy and he reads a book which is actually a play and kills that guy then he can see into the future somehow. But not the good future, the type where he could see robots and nuclear bombs, but the lame several seconds future, where he realizes a guy will walk somewhere or spill some coffee soon and you have to talk to him or tell him not to spill the coffee. Mister Kane man also has a brother who likes religion and a girlfriend who he doesn’t have sex with since this was the lame version in America. America should get better things than censored games.

There are also the policemen men, and one is a woman. The other is black, since they had to include people so people wouldn’t be sad that people who look like them weren’t in games. Those guys get to play basketball or breathe underground while moving file cabinets with cranks on the walls, but nothing that’s interesting. Sometimes they have to go to a place and look at things, but you have to be both of them and I didn’t like the black guy, not because I don’t like black guys, but because this one guy was lame. He didn’t do much except exist and talk sometimes, except he talked a lot, since Indigo Prophecy has people talk often.

See, the game works like this. You have to do a lot of lame stuff that isn’t fun when you wake up, like answering the phone and putting on clothes and drinking milk, and if you don’t you commit suicide or something. Seriously, if you don’t do things your character man gets sad and then he does something like quit his job if you’re the black guy or kill himself if you’re the killer guy. So you have to keep him happy by doing things like showering, and to do that you have to use the sticks in weird ways. Anyway, after this you usually talk to people using the sticks. See, there are people in this game, and you go to them and then there’s a stick that gets shorter and tells you to hurry up and talk and you have to move the stick to choose what to talk about and if you don’t it’s a problem and the people are sad again. It’s lame, and the time is short. If I was talking to my girlfriend and I didn’t say anything for 10 seconds she wouldn’t say “I don’t like you anymore” and leave my house. She would be nice, but these people aren’t. Why aren’t they nice?

Then sometimes you have to do weirder things where you get to play a Simon Says thing where they show things on the screen and you move the sticks to match them for a long time to do anything, like running from bugs or playing the guitar to convince a girl to not have sex with you if you live in America or boxing with another person who works next to you for no reason. See, none of this is for a reason, not even drinking the milk. It seems like the people didn’t want to make a story, especially not one that doesn’t have many day gaps, they just wanted to say they made a game so they put random things you have to do like the basketball game. Why? This is about a murder. Maybe it isn’t, since they don’t talk about that too much. It’s mostly about people and how they talk to each other way too much. You don’t ever really do anything actually.

You also have to occasionally move, but even that’s horrible. See, as the police people you often have to be both of them and press B to switch them which is the only time you press buttons. You have to keep looking around a place since not both of them have eyes and only one will notice there’s a knife while only the other will notice blood exists, so it’s like one of those lame adventure games twice. Then as everyone you have to worry about staying not emo by still doing things like drinking water and going to yon bathroom and all this other stuff. I guess it’s realistic, but it takes too long. I don’t have to spend a lot of time in the morning before going out and running from policemen and moving sticks to jump over bus, and I don’t get sad if I don’t drink; just thirsty. Thirst isn’t bad, and I won’t kill myself from not having water. You also have to always walk, and you walk slowly. You can kinda run, but it looks so lame and isn’t much faster. It seems like they did all that to just make the game longer. Instead of having you do things that are actually fun. Couldn’t they have made the game long? No, that would cost work and they would have to think of actual things to do instead of waking up, doing things, and then saying “I would do those things again. Let’s make a video game.”

A lot in this game is like that, where they did something for a lame reason not involving being good. For example, the snow. Snow is happening often and all the time, so you can’t see far, so they didn’t have to draw New York City. That’s where this takes place, but you wouldn’t know since you’re just in small areas and if you want to move more than a few feet Kane says “I don’t want to move” and turns around. He should want to explore. Why is he walking around a few small places if cops are looking for him? Why not leave the city or run well or drive or go on an adventure? Why do Atari men not want me to explore the city or do something fun? Why do they just make me do a lot of stupid stick movements to play guitar or drink milk?

See, when I bought this game for $15, I thought I would be paying $15 dollars for something good, like a game. This doesn’t have anything like that, though. It’s just a lame story with lame characters and too much movement of the sticks to do pointless things since they didn’t want to actually make a long game. Too much of it is talking and taking showers so I don’t get too sad. Why would I play something like this when I could be doing something fun? I wouldn’t.